I have had a feeling that I need to write about something that is pretty close to so many, yet is something that is hardly talked about. I know so many people who are struggling or have struggled with what I am about to talk about…
Infertility!
Seth and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year now, it is always such a hard thing ever month when we realize that things didn’t work once again. I think that we are almost taught growing up that if you choose to have sex that you’re at such a high risk of either getting pregnant or an STD or something like that… While yes that does and can happen my experience has shown me it’s not as easy as your lead to believe growing up to get pregnant. (At least if you REALLY want to)
After a few months of trying with not baby, we finally went to the Doctor to start checking things out. We are both older and I don’t want to try for years only to figure out something isn’t working correctly so we went. The Doctor went through all the different tests that we could do if we wanted and explained the cost of them. We decided to try a few more months before starting testing; I mean it can’t be that hard right? WRONG, a few months later still no baby. So back to the Doctor looking for more answers…
By this point I was pretty sure the world was out to get me… I swear every way I looked there was something to do with babies or begin pregnant. All the shows I was watching on TV had characters who became pregnant, I would hear ad’s on the radio about Intermountain mom’s Face book page, by this point I had a few friends who had just become pregnant. It was hard to be happy when hearing some of our good friend’s news that they were pregnant I was happy for them (like me they had struggled for awhile to conceive) yet it was hard because I wanted this so badly and I felt sadness because I wasn’t. When our friends left our house that night after telling us their great news, I broke down, I felt like the one thing I feel is missing, keeps getting put in our face that everyone else get but we don’t. I started to tell a few of my friends about the struggles and how I felt so naïve for thinking it would be an easy thing to become pregnant. My friends would comfort me and I felt happy, then I swear a week after telling one of them, I got on Facebook and I saw the “We’re expecting” post… SERIOUSLY? Was all I could think… I thought did they know they were when they were talking to me? Either way I know it doesn’t matter but it was just another way the world put babies in my face.
We decided to have Seth checked as that was pretty low cost compared to the rest and we also had my progesterone levels checked on the appropriate day which luckily was only a few days after my doctor’s appointment. A day after having my blood drawn to check my levels I got the call from the doctor’s office… When you are fertile and are in the “prime” baby making timeframe your levels are high, my levels were almost NONE! I was shocked I didn’t know what to think, I was sure that if anything was going to be wrong it would be on Seth’s end and not mine... I mean there is no Family history on my side of infertility but there was known issues on his side. I called Seth in tears, I felt so broken and didn’t know what to do, all my life I have wanted to be a mom, and I do know that I will be one day. After further discussing with my doctor he determined that I have what is known and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).
PCOS is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of female sex hormones. It can affect Estrogen and Progesterone which are the hormones that help a woman’s ovaries release eggs to be fertilized. (Hence why the nearly 0 Levels of Progesterone)
The Doctor told me that there were some medications that I could take to help bring my levels up and increase our chances of getting pregnant. I was all game... I mean why wouldn’t I be, this is what I have wanted my whole life!
I told my mom about what was happening and the medications that I was going to be taking and she began talking to her friends about what was happening. A Few hours later I got many horror stories of how the medication I was to begin taking in a matter of a few days make you CRAZY. In one story I heard the woman’s husband taking the drug actually found ways to hide from his wife while on it. Another the lady woke up one morning pissed for really no reason at her husband so she packed all his stuff up, loaded it in the car and drove it to him. I was so worried that I would not feel like more or that I would act out and feel horrible after the fact. Thankfully when I took the meds it didn’t affect me like I hear it does so many women. I was a little more moody but not enough to pack Seth’s things in the car.
The following month I went back to the doctor after doing what I could to help increase my levels to find out they had went up they were at 13 and the ideal range is 15-25. I thought oh goody I might actually have a chance this month, I’m pretty close… Sadly it didn’t. I was Sad, discouraged and feeling depressed about the whole situation. Talking to the doctor again they decided to up my dose of medication and double it. This got me nervous once again... I mean I was okay with the first amount, a little moody but not bad, would double send me over the edge?
A few weeks later it was time again to have levels checked, I was totally pumped up thinking last month they were okay, this month I took double so they should be right where they need to be and this WAS going to be my MONTH! I went to get my blood drawn and the next day I got a phone call from the nurse… My levels were really low again. L I was shocked... How could this be? The nurse explained that most likely it meant that I don’t ovulate on whichever sides turn it was this month to drop the egg.
Again I feel Broken, and I am starting to feel alone, half my friends are pregnant, my mom doesn’t know how I feel because she basically washed underwear together and became pregnant. Even my friend who had struggled getting pregnant , knew it wasn’t on her end so I feel like she can’t relate to how I feel, and although I know it effects Seth as well, he can’t understand how it feels to know that your body is the one preventing you from getting what you so desperately want!
I tried talking to my mom about it but it didn’t really help, I know it’s hard for her to understand, she never went through this. She tells me that I just have to stop worrying about it and that it will happen when its suppose to happen. Plus with things not working right, at least I can enjoy my summer… I know that it will happen when its suppose to happen but I WANT IT NOW! I feel like I\We have been patient, we are ready so please let the time be NOW, and Enjoying my summer? I don’t think crying for a day every month is very enjoyable… and I would gladly trade a fun summer to have something I have wanted my whole life, No Questions asked.
After talking to the nurse, and the nurse talking to the Doctor they have decided to once again up my dose of meds for the following month so I get to take triple the normal does in hopes that we can have a baby. I am scared about the large does making me crazy, I couldn’t shake the thoughts that if things don’t happen THIS month that I don’t stand a chance the following and that month. If things don’t work this month I have to endure my friend starting to have their babies in August, Baby Showers and I really don’t know if I can handle it. I hate to say that, and it makes me feel like a horrible person.
I took the high dose of medication, and just as I started taking the does I took a very last minute trip to Seattle to try and ease stress and just to get away from it all. Although the trip did help it didn’t solve any problems. Taking 3 times the regular does made me sick and I woke up in the middle of the night 3 nights in a row in horrible pain (think food poisoning but 10 times worse) This was while I was on vacation, and started happening during a long drive where there was nothing to be found for 100’s of miles. Throwing up on the side of the street is not what I call fun by any means. I talk to the doctor and they told me that the medicine can cause the pain I was feeling which in turned caused nausea and vomiting.
A few weeks go past and I go in to have my levels checked once again this time I was thinking 3 pills should do the trick, it’s the right side this month this is it! Wrong, my results we actually lower than the 2nd month. How could this be? More is better right? I was devastated, but knew I still had somewhat of a chance so we tried… We had a 3 month follow up appointment with the doctor, which lead us to deciding to seek more specialized treatment as the current doctor was too busy that day to really even see me for longer than a few minutes, we didn’t discuss plans going forward which I need to know what’s the next step. The next day I schedule an appointment with a Reproductive specialist.
The next week we met with the new doctor, he was an interesting man who was very dry in humor and right to the point. I guess that’s okay though, looking around his office I could see he was very well qualified and that he probably knew best. He immediately scheduled both Seth and I for further testings. We left the appointment knowing we may or may not actually need to do this test because “I might be Pregnant” and if so the timing of these tests would never come.
A few days later I started! I was devastated, I still had hope that this would be our month, yet my hope failed me once again. With this I knew many things, first that the following day I had a baby shower to attend to, I really didn’t want to go but I want to be the good friend. 2 that I was now needing to schedule many tests and get on the road to figuring out what is really going on. And 3, that I would more than likely start watching all my friends bring their kids into the world.
The next day, I dreaded getting ready to go to the baby shower; I had already told people that I would go, so I felt obligated to go. I cried all morning getting ready and really wanted to just lay in bed all day, but I couldn’t. I cried on my way to the baby shower and even at one point during the shower I felt bad, I didn’t want to ruin this person’s shower, but I was still hurting so badly from yesterday’s news.
The following Monday I went in for my first few tests, this was a simple blood draw and an ultrasound. I am use to getting poked with needles from doing immunotherapy and all the other blood draws so that wasn’t a big deal. The ultrasound on the other hand was weird. It was a vaginal ultrasound, which I was told wasn’t too bad going into it, just very awkward laying there with your feet in the air while still on visiting with aunt flow. I was told this was supposed to be painless but it actually hurt and I kept holding my breath as the doctor tried to find my ovaries to see if I had cyst on them. In all if was a short doctor’s appointment and then it was just waiting to get results. The results came a few days later and all was normal.. I guess that’s good but still didn’t explain what was going on.
That same week I was scheduled to have a HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) which I was super nervous for. I had had a few friends that I talked to who had done this procedure before. One said it wasn’t too bad, one said it hurt like a motha. Not to mention the doctor had also given me a prescription for a valium and told me to take 800mg ibprophen before the test. Come to find out my experience with this test was a breeze, I didn’t really feel much of anything I was so happy, cause right after the test we were heading to Bear Lake for the weekend and I didn’t know if I would be in pain the whole way there or not.
After getting back from Bear Lake I started taking Ovulation test to know when I ovulated. If things went well and all the test came back normal would could look at doing IUI which would improve our chances of finally conceiving. When I finally got the Happy face on the test strip on morning I was so happy, I called the doctor to see if he has received the imaged from my HSG and to let me know if this was something we should move forward with or not. That afternoon I got a call from the nurse, she told me that after reviewing the films from the HSG that the doctor would not recommend going with IUI this month and that he would like to discuss this in my follow up appointment in 2 days.
Seth and I went to the doctor 2 days later to hear that while most of our tests are normal/good. He was concerned with what he saw on the HSG film, He wasn’t sure if my uterus was heart shaped or if I just have a septum protruding down, with way my uterus was not the normal pear shape. With this he has ordered yet another test next month to get a better idea of the shape, if the septum is the issue we are looking at surgery, although this surgery is outpatient and doesn’t sound to bad, I am still hurting because If its needed we won’t know until next month, then after getting surgery we have to wait another 3 months before we can even start trying again. Right now time to me is the hardest thing. I am done waiting I want it now. I know you can’t always get what you want when you want it but, I think I have waited long enough….
I know I am growing bitter, and I HATE that! I wish I really am trying to be so happy for my friends, and try to understand those around me who say things that are hurtful to me because they don’t understand the mental and emotional side of infertility.
I am also scared that I know this is only the beginning, if things don’t work we are going to be looking at a lot of expenses not covered by the insurance company.(Not that we won’t gladly pay it, but it would be nice not to have to pay and arm and a leg to get there.) I know I sound out of hope, but I do have hope that thing will work and they will be amazing when they do. I also am not writing this to make anyone feel bad, or sorry for me. I just really needed to vent and this is the form I choose to do that in. I do appreciate the love, support, and prayers from those who have known what is going on, it really does mean a lot to Seth and I.
